The more things change, the more they change.

Last year I was sitting in bed with you. We didn't go out, we cooked and stayed in. This year I watched The Departed, ate old pizza and tended to bruises and cuts from today's ride. Alone. I don't think I can do this too much longer. I have tried everything. Everything. The things I have tried to keep us together, would surely end us. Maybe I want to end us. I love you so much, but being with you will make me sacrifice more than I think I can.

I fought so hard to get you back.

I am sorry. I did so thinking I wanted a life with you. I did. I do. I want to live with you. You are always at work or sleeping. That is not living.

You don't work out. You don't do anything.

I am so attracted to you, even though I am not attracted to your body anymore.

You were the first person I ever made love to. I was sure you would be the last.

Everything is fine as long as I don't interfere with your new plan.

I cannot be upset. I feel the exact same way.

That is the problem with wanting someone as obstinate and certain as myself.

I love you, and that is why I need to let you go.

Then we can both have the lives we dream of, because US and OUR DREAMS, are mutually exclusive events.

Ambivalent

I was so angry.

You received my texts and weren't going to respond except to tell me not to come over.

My response was, "FUCK YOU!"

That was the emotion that pervaded my body all the way home.

I started thinking about what I was going to say to you.

I wanted to walk away from you and forget you existed.

You HAVEN'T lived. You don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

I am not going to go through hell with you just to end up in a shithole city wondering what happened to our dream.

If that boat has sailed, then you need to fucking tell me- I am ready to abandon ship.

I never treated you like you are treating me.

You want to achieve you goals in life at the expense of life- fine, do it alone.

You have drained me of so much. Yeah yeah, "that is how I felt when you left," -I went home for the summer... THAT IS WHO I AM! You know this, if you or your family can't handle it, TOUGH; I changed so much for you. I suppressed so much of myself for you... and for what? So I could get out of a final and want to see you, only to be ignored and then told not to come over because you are not in the mood because you got all worked up over absolutely nothing. Yeah, get moody- see who your company is. FUCK YOU.

Then I get some texts from you.

Apparently, you can express affection and love.

I wish it were too little too late, because I am tired of the roller coaster.

But it isn't. I love you. I can't help it.

Bi-fucking-polar

All week long we get along great. Then friday comes and my fucking girlfriend disappears. Is she trying to make me go through what she went through. I didn't make her go through this.

It's ironic; I just spilled my guts to her without a response, I am getting ready to write to myself, when I type in blogspot and my ex's blog comes into my blog engine.

I click on it to see if she is still writing...

yup.

What was her latest post about?

Tonight's post?

Missing me on the first snowy night.

Why ironic? Because I am missing my woman.

Still... why ironic?

Because I have cut Genevieve out to make the love of my life know that she is the only person in my life. I never loved Genevieve as a wife, as a mother to the children I didn't think I wanted. I never craved her physically as I do Adriana. Nothing about her even compared.

Yet, she writes about me... alone- and I write about Adriana... alone.

If I could do anything for Genevieve- I would give her happiness without me. Happiness with me doesn't exist. She has never felt like Adriana felt. She has never been loved like I love Adriana. I cut her out to help her move on.

Does Adriana lack the ability to do that for me?

Is she trying to let my resolve atrophy?

Is she ever going to stop being me?

At least I had fun while being alone.

Proof.

Tonight I am feeling miserable.

My stomach hurts.

I am bloated.

I cannot focus on either my paper or math.

Adriana is so distant.

She won't connect to me.

This weekend sucked. I nearly quit.

I want her more than anything, but she doesn't seem to want us.

I think she is becoming less and less of who I loved.

I think she feels the same.

I cannot be without the mountains and the seasons and freedom.

She seems to be happy working away and avoiding the outdoors heat.

She is young and young.

I have always been old.

Tonight I will not call or text her without her initiating.

If I am excluded from thanksgiving... I will leave for winter break two weeks later- alone.

I want the Adriana I love back.

Wake up.

Want to express many things; but can't- for many reasons.

F^-1(x) is the inverse. I don't want it to express.

F of x to the negative one.

Trapped

in a bottle

full of hope

gasping for

error

Looking at you

in the mirror

becoming the snowstorm

flake

melting

melting

melding?

conTRITE

As if things weren't tenuous enough.

Add to the mix:

-Loss of job security

-Inability to get car of choice

-Stress of having to find a place to live with additional stress of not knowing where you work

-Having to work EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK

-Not getting enough sleep

-Needing to sleep, but needing to work out

-Wanting to give to me, when you are already spread too thin

Then add me:

-My messed up insides (and not the omnipresent emotional crap)

-My getting screwed out of my bike

-Me wanting to give to you, but knowing you are not ready to accept

-The excitement, but stress of preparing for school

I wonder what it is like to try to bring me back into your life after having your family watch you excise me from it. I know it is more difficult than you let on and than I understand.

I need to not give you any stress. I tried to surprise you, but that ended horribly. I assumed too much and now someone may lose their job. You stuck up for me, and I let you down.

I JUST LOVE YOU.